Cancer @ 20
“I feel as if in our modern times we feel entitled to a certain life. I have to agree that I feel like I am owed a certain life. Death at 21 would seem just 'unfair' as many people would say. I wish I could say that I feel confident in myself in this moment, but I don’t. I’m scared. I feel helpless in the face of imminent death. I feel small and weak. We do so much to convince ourselves of the image that we have controlled the natural world and all the chaotic processes.
It’s hard to write this. I feel nauseous and so distracted. Life is bleak as I wait for results”
- 11/9/2022
One month before my 21st birthday I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. Now after finishing my journey through this diagnosis and receiving surgery I am done with cancer, hopefully for a very long time.
When I look back over my journal entries from those days, I get flooded with emotions. Most of all, I feel small and helpless. Growing up, mortality was an ever-present thought. I was fascinated by existentialism and made efforts to come to accept the difficult realities of life and death. I read Sartre and Kierkegaard and stayed up at night contemplating what I could do in my life to give it meaning. The thought that my life could be cut short so soon completely shook me.
Many people will go through several close encounters with death in their life. They often discuss a great period of reflection and reevaluation of how they live their life. As you may expect, I went through quite a similar period of reflection. Being so young, my reflection was focused moreso on how I hope to live my life, rather than how I have already spent it.
I spent the summer before my sophomore year trying to convince myself to exit physics and explore industry jobs. I read books on ethical finance and dove into financials in hope of finding some glimpse of the passion and enjoyment I find in physics and mathematics. In reality, I was nervous about pursuing a career with such uncertainty and wanted to convince myself to give up my passion. After applying to numerous internships in the financials, I knew to some degree that I was fighting a losing battle. I wasn’t enjoying the process but deceived myself into believing that was only temporary.
When I received my cancer diagnosis, I thought of all the possible ways the next months could proceed. We had discussed the possibility of needing chemotherapy and radiation to treat the tumor if it, unfortunately, spread throughout my body. While the chance of death is near zero from testicular cancer with appropriate treatment, the thought that my body would die in a year or so in its current state terrified me.
I imagined myself recovering from chemotherapy, radiation, and the surgery that was scheduled for the next week. When I thought about how I wanted to spend the rest of my life, if it could be so short, I knew I wanted to spend it understanding the universe. I wanted to learn quantum mechanics and general relativity. I yearned to see past the veil of reality to the inner functions of the universe.
I’ve called my experience with cancer my physics renaissance. Renaissance translates directly to “rebirth.” I left behind my false hopes of entering the industry and accepted that what will truly bring me happiness in my life is studying the universe and spreading this knowledge to anyone who desires to learn.
As I live beyond my bout with cancer and reflect on my aspirations to leave behind my interests, I think of the late Professor Thomas Eager’s Surviving MIT - Lessons Learned. Of the ten lessons listed by Eager, numbers eight and nine resonate most with me:
8. Be willing to sacrifice everything: power and money are the two methods used to control others at MIT. Willingness to give up both is the only path to personal independence.
9. Know the end from the beginning: Find your career anchor. “Follow your noble instincts”
Looking back, I was controlled by money and power while ignoring my noble instincts. As a child, I questioned my world hoping to find fundamental truths. I studied philosophy throughout high school hoping to find the basis of human experience. Later, I found physics as I hoped to uncover the universe in its most basic form. For as long as I can remember, my instincts drew me to ask these questions. I never forgot where my innate interest drew me, but the allure of power and money blinded me.
There is something about a close confrontation with your mortality that makes disregarding your passions for material success seem so unappealing. At least this was my experience.
Now as I continue life at MIT and balance options from academics and industry I try to remember Eager’s lessons in each decision. Through my cancer diagnosis, I was confronted with losing everything I had in my life. After my experience this past year, losing money and power seem like nothing.
There very well may be a time when I enter the industry, but I know this decision will be uncorrupted by the control of others or society.
After my surgery to remove the tumor, we learned that what was once certainly a cancerous tumor was found to be an unexplained abnormal growth. I am grateful that my experience with cancer ended as it did and I hopefully have many more years ahead of me.
